Top Ten Popular Books I Never Want To Read

Or, Top Ten Reasons The New York Times Best Sellers List Is A Bad Place To Go For Recommendations

10. Angelina by Andrew Morton

It’s not that I have anything against the plush-lipped, child collecting actress. It’s that I have something against celebrity biographies in general. It’s one thing if the celeb wrote a memoir, it’s another for someone to compile information on a celebrity in order to make a buck. I also don’t have any interest in Angelina’s life. It may be great reading material, I don’t know, but I just don’t care. 

9. Lego Star Wars by Simon Beecroft

Lego Star Wars (an annotated visual dictionary) has been on the best sellers list for 34 weeks and is currently at #1. What can I say, kids really really love legos and star wars. I, however, don’t. 

8. My Horizontal Life and Are You There, Vodka? It’s Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler

As I have already read her book Chelsea Chelsea Bang Bang and was not impressed (read my review here) I have no interest in reading her other books. But other people do. You would think after reading one people would get the jist of Handler’s life and sense of humor and not feel the need for more. But all three of her books have spent serious time on the New York Times Best Seller list so it leaves me baffled. How much can one person read about Handler’s loser father and her own drug and alcohol abuse? It gets old fast, in my opinion. 

7. The Secret by Rhonda Byrne

This book was made into a popular movie, a self-help concept that derives from a “ask, believe, receive” way of thinking. Wow. really? Just ask, believe, and then I will receive? This is really stupid on two levels. One, just asking for a pink elephant and believing I’ll get one isn’t going to get me my elephant. Two, if I want a job, I of course will apply for it (ask?), then I can sit at home thinking really hard “I will get this job because I applied, I will get this job because I applied”  (believe?) and then blammo! Instant job! (receive?) well I can tell you from first hand experience that this method did not work. It didn’t work for the 27 jobs I have applied for in the past month. Maybe I just wasn’t believing hard enough. Or maybe the world doesn’t run on wishes and moonbeams. 

6. Heat Wave by “Richard Castle”

I love the television show “Castle”. I adore Nathan Fillion. I mean ADORE. I loved him as the big baddy in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I fell madly in love with him as Captain Malcolm Reynolds on Firefly, and even liked him as Captain Hammer in the short Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. You could say I’m a big fan. But that doesn’t mean they (the evil “they”, “they” who take a good thing and make it weird for no reason) can take a FICTIONAL character from a t.v. show and PRETEND he’s real by publishing books under the FICTIONAL CHARACTER’S name. It’s just stupid. 

5. I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell by Tucker Max

This one came out a while ago, but is still raking in the dough for some reason. I don’t have any desire to read about a “self-absorbed, drunken womanizer” (NY Times.com) . If I want to hear about one of those there are plenty of bars with Tucker Max look-alikes just dying to tell me all about themselves. I just don’t support making a celebrity out of a run-of-the-mill ass. 

4. ___ My Dad Says by Justin Halpern

I read books because they offer me something the internet and television cannot: a world made partly by an author and partly by my imagination. Something that will entertain, provoke ideas or thoughts, or provide me with knowledge I no longer had. I do not buy books in order to have a compilation of tweets in paper format. No thanks. (read full essay on why I hate this book on Thursday!) Also, we’re all grown ups. Just say “shit”. 

3. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

This popular book has recently been made even more popular by the recent  movie starring the lovable and cuddly Julia Roberts. I just don’t like anything that is described as a “search for self”. You are not going to “find yourself” traveling to a bunch of countries. You’re not going to be examining a fancy rug or porcelain elephant hand crafted by poverty-stricken children and suddenly find yourself among the knick-knacks. Travel is fun, travel provides experiences that become a very tiny aspect of who you are, but it doesn’t provide a whole new self. Why was this book so popular? Because there are a lot of miserable people (women) out there that feel stuck in loveless marriages and are forced to live vicariously through someone who can afford to travel the world on a book advance. 

2. The Twilight Series by Stephanie Meyer

I just don’t want to hear about it anymore. I saw the first movie, it was really boring. The books do not interest me, either. Did you know that the number of babies named Edward and Bella shot up after the popularity of the Twilight series? That’s right. Thousands of idiot parents are cursing their newborn children with names from a sparkly vampire series. Poor kids. 

1. Everything by Nicholas Sparks

I respect the man. He keeps churning out cheesy tear-jerkers and Hollywood keeps making them into movies. Good for him, he’s found a profitable niche market and is utilizing it beautifully for his own financial gain. At least someone in publishing is making money. But I refuse to sit at home, alone, weeping over lost love or lost lives wondering why MY ex-boyfriends don’t wait years and then pop out of the woodwork to profess their undying love for me. Pass.